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Did You Hear Me Crying? |
She is adorable, with a mass of brown curls and large blue eyes; she is about three. She has just learned about pockets. She reaches out to take a small item from the shelf, and holds it over her pocket for a moment, then lets it drop. Plop! She gives a satisfied little laugh. She reaches into her pocket to do it again. But this is in a store and the object - which costs twenty-five cents - has not been paid for.
Her father, standing nearby, has seen this incident. Enraged, he rushes over, snatches the object from her hand, throws it on the shelf, and shouts at her, If you steal something again, I'll break your fingers!
The horror of this threat collides with her laughter, and she stands there cowering, silent, and afraid.
The scene just described is, unfortunately, not fiction. It took place last year in a large department store. Although this example may be extreme, it is not unique; both physical and emotional abuse takes place daily to millions of children in our society. One does not need to venture out in public long before hearing threats, impatience, mistrust, and angry words directed at children.
When abuse happens behind closed doors, it is seldom apparent to others until it becomes severe or sexual abuse is discovered. But when it happens in public, we have an opportunity to intervene. How, then, can we as observers respond in a way that is helpful to both the parent and the child, when we witness such abuse?
As none of us is a perfect parent, it may be most helpful to consider what type of response we would prefer if we were observed treating our own child in a less than understanding way. The following pattern may be useful in similar situations which the reader may encounter:
Preventing Child Maltreatment: |
First, we need to show empathy for the parent: It can really be challenging when children are little and still learning about stores.
We might then share something of our own (or our child's) experience: I remember when I was four and my parents saw me pick something up, but I didn't really understand about stealing.
We should then empathize with the child: It must hurt you inside to see your father get so angry.
We might then add: This is a nice toy. It must be hard for you to leave it here.
Finally, we can offer a suggestion: My child finds it helpful to keep a wish list for the things we can't buy yet. You might find that helpful too.
While it may be difficult to think of the perfect response in the heat of the moment, the sheer act of standing up for the child can have significant impact on the child herself, even if the parent becomes angry or defensive. Many adults in counselling sessions still remember vividly the one time that a stranger stepped in on their behalf, and how much that meant: that someone cared, and that the child's own feelings of anger were recognized and accepted.
If we respond as we would if we were to come upon our closest friend in a similar situation, we would assume the best, assume that this situation was atypical and related to stress. The first step of expressing empathy with the parent will maximize our chances of being heard, show the parent that we believe in his basic good intentions, and avoid antagonizing him into further abusive behaviour.
Even if the parent does not respond in a fully positive way, it does not necessarily mean that our message went unheard. In a quieter moment, he may remember and reconsider what he was unable to accept at the time. And while intervening can be difficult, we need to recognize that walking past a distraught child also gives a message: it says to the child that no one cares about her suffering, and it implies to the parent that we approve of abusive treatment.
Although the father in our story meant to give his child a worthwhile moral lesson, his response is, ironically, certain to lower her self-esteem and make actual theft a real possibility. How could the little girl know that this was only a threat that no sane man would carry out? She could not know, and until someone speaks out on her behalf, she may never know.
The Natural Child: Parenting from the Heart |
Psychiatric case histories clearly show a direct correlation between the amount of abuse suffered in childhood and a later degree of psychopathic behaviour; today's psychopathic adults were yesterday's abused children. We cannot take a time machine back to help yesterday's children, but we can help the children of today to become responsible adults of tomorrow, who will then treat their own children with dignity, love and compassion. We can bear witness
in public to the children. We can let them know we see them as valuable and that we do not believe they should be mistreated. If we as a society do not make it clear that we believe abuse is wrong, it will continue to happen.
The little girl's fingers were not touched. But her vision of the world she lives in will never be the same.
Jan Hunt, M.Sc (Counselling) is the editorial assistant of Empathic Parenting and the author of The Natural Child: Parenting from the Heart. She can be reached at janhunt@naturalchild.com. Check out her Natural Child Project site at www.naturalchild.com.
The Natural Child Project has articles on natural parenting, homeschooling, and child advocacy; a parenting advice column, a monthly guest column, a short book on mother-child bonding, and a children's art work page.
This article compliments of Born to Love.
Send questions, comments, and suggestions to: catherine@borntolove.com
Born to Love articles are written by Catherine McDiarmid-Watt
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Last updated - April 5, 2024
